The date with Bird Boy

Probably the most entertaining dating story in my repertoire is my date with "Bird Boy." He is appropriately named, as you will see later in the story. Warning: this is quite long, but hopefully my misery will amuse you.

It all starts on facebook. I received a *poke* from a name and picture I did not recognize. The name sounded familiar enough - Brian is a pretty common name, right? - but I still wasn't sure whether I knew this person or not. I sent Brian a facebook message: "Do I know you from somewhere?" To summarize the message back, I did not know Brian, but he saw my profile picture while looking through facebook one day and thought it looked interesting. I should mention here that the aforementioned profile picture was me, curled up in a ball, sleeping on an over-sized chair. You can't actually see my face in the picture, only that I appear to be comatose.

The messages became longer as we started a conversation over facebook. This led to the sharing of backgrounds, favorite pastimes, and all those things you share with someone to get to know them. An interest of a romantic nature began to sprout. We exchanged instant message screen names as well as phone numbers. And now the story gets creepy, weird, and unbelievably true...

It started with the instant messaging conversation. Brian suggested we perhaps go on a date, to which I was more than excited to try, being this my first venture into online dating - as I believe this was technically online dating. As we had exchanged photos over facebook - I don't remember which one I sent him, but the one he sent me was him with his shirt off and sunglasses on his face (really?) - he commented on the fact that I was "hott." That's a compliment if you're in middle school, but not once you've graduated college. He mentioned the "hott" factor more than once, which - for men to know - is not a compliment anymore, and actually makes a girl feel more like a piece of meat (well, this girl). This was also especially concerning given we had never met face-to-face and, with three "hott" compliments on the record, we proceed to the next bit of awkwardness...

Brian suggested the first date be watching the sunset. Though a sweet gesture, that's more Date Five material. In addition to the sunset, Brian told me to wear a skirt on our date. Uh... Bad idea. First, we'd never met, and that's extremely offensive. Second, you don't tell a girl what to wear! Third, he said the reason I should wear the skirt was because he "thinks skirts are hott." If it was more of a "what are you going to wear" so as to identify me when we met for the date, totally fine; this "wear a skirt because it's hott" business, I'm not OK with that. As such, I talked to my friends about the situation and my increasing concerns about this Brian character. They said that he was probably nervous, and that engineers are awkward - Word to the Wise: don't ask engineers about a fellow engineer because they stick up for each other.

My concerns continued to compound. When talking with him on the phone, Brian referred to future dates despite the fact that we had not been on a first. And on top of that he made so rather inappropriate sexual innuendos, at least considering I did not know him. Strawberries dipped in chocolate - tasty, but really? - saying he knew his way around a power tool and that it's a big one... uh... Again, I confided in my friends, feeling more and more uncomfortable about our impending date. He's probably not very good over the phone, they'd struggle to spit out as their faces displayed the distinct emotions of confusion and concern. But I listened to their words, and the date was only a couple of days away - how bad could it get?

I would like to say in advance that I did not know I was setting myself up for the WORST date of my life (to date). First he insisted I meet him down at Portland State University, despite the fact that I told him I was not familiar with the area and would need to take public transportation - I didn't have a car at the time, which he assumed I did have. On top of that, he wanted to meet for dinner before his class. Brian was not very flexible, so I negotiated that we meet instead at the Starbucks in the middle of Pioneer Square and that we meet for coffee in the early afternoon instead of dinnertime. Brian agreed, as it was not too far from where PSU is.

On the day of the date all hell broke loose, and Brian became what I have termed a "needy puppy." I first got an IM from Brian at 9:30 am. With a pit in my stomach and fear on my mind, I left lunch in the safety and company of friends - the same friends I had been telling my concerns - and proceeded to the bus stop. Riding on the bus, twenty minutes to go, I get a phone call. I thought it was odd that Brian would be calling me; I secretly hoped he was canceling our date; I was not that lucky. I answered the phone and was greeted by "What's up?" This angered me, but I kept my cool. I told him I was on the bus on the way to meet him. Duh, I though, you're being an a**hole because you knew that already. I could not believe that he ended the conversation with "OK, well I'm going to head out now. Bet I'll beat you there!" It was middle school all over again, and it was only going to get worse. I seriously contemplated getting off the bus and turning right around, but I couldn't be that cruel and kept on going.

We met at the door to Starbucks. He held it open for me - maybe I was wrong, I though - and then we ordered our drinks. I paid for my own hot chocolate - yes, $2.45 but still he thought I should buy my own on our date - and life got miserable. He ignored me. We sat down outside and he didn't say a word. He looked up and down and all around Square. I asked questions that he answered, but then he didn't ask any questions of me. And the came the birds...

He had mentioned a paper he was working on, and I mistakenly asked him what it was about. Direct quote: "It's about how pigeon feces causes things to corrode." Oh shit. For TWENTY minutes he talked about pigeons, pigeon shit, all things about birds, and the whole time I tried stopping him with comments like "I'm afraid of birds because I had a traumatic experience" and "I think pigeons are dirty and awful" and "Please don't do that" when he tried to bring a pigeon over to the table. I really did not want to know about how pigeon poop corrodes statues, or how in Switzerland they killed 100,000 pigeons over 26 years, or that he tried feeding pigeons french fries and then tried fooling the dirty birds with strips of paper.

Then, as there was a lull in conversation, I asked if he'd seen any good movies lately. First Brian shared with me that he thought I Am Legend was going to be a lot like i,Robot because Will Smith was in both of them. This led to a discussion about movies about diseases and how said movies should be more realistic (had he not seen Stepmom? Steel Magnolias? Or at least heard of them?). Then came nanoscience and a conspiracy theory about microchips embedded in humans. Forty minutes passed by and finally there was nothing else for him to talk about and for me to ask him. As he realized I was looking to evacuate the Starbucks and leave, he finally came alive and asked to walk me to my bus stop. Hell no! I thought to myself. Instead I said I needed to use the bathroom across the street and thanks for the offer. I said I was heading to California for a while and might not be able to get in touch - he took this as an opportunity to mention that he had a friend in L.A., which he didn't was the same place as Los Angeles, and wondered if that was close to San Francisco, which I couldn't believe because everyone in the world has heard of California and has some idea of the two major cities at two opposite ends of the state. I ended it with the classic line of "I'll call you," hinting that I did not have a good time and he should not expect me to call.

When I got back from the date from hell I saw I had missed some instant messages, a series of messages actually, all asking "Are you here?" to see if I was online. They had been sent while I was at work, lunch, and on the bus on the way to the date. The "needy puppy" strikes again!

I had told him I was heading back to California for a while, and as I had already told I would call him, I was not expecting a facebook message to appear in my inbox the next day wondering when we would go out again. He was expecting a relationship and thought nothing was off about the date we had. I had already told my coworkers my story - how awful it was, how never to trust engineers when they give you dating advice - and asked for their opinions on what to say back to him. Instead of the paragraphs-long response/lecture I intended to send, one of my male coworkers suggested I simply say I wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. It worked, and I have never heard from Brian again.

I concluded that I was most likely Brian's first date... EVER. His behavior before, during, and after the date suggests it. Or perhaps his maturity level was that of a middle school boy, in which case I was not going to be continuing anything with him. All of this happened over the course of one week - yes, just one. The bizarre conversation and weird behavior is just a great story now (great in that it's amazing it happened, not in that it was a great date). Also to note, Brian was an idiot. You can get better dating advice and learn dating behavior from any TV show or movie, as long as you're paying attention. Not even that was accomplished by "Bird Boy." Hopefully his skills have improved and dating has gotten easier for the women he meets.